10 Tested (the hard way) Methods to De-escalate a Conflict, Part 2

My last post was on ways I've found to de-escalate the inevitable conflicts that are going to come down the pike. Today I'll talk about five more techniques. The last post was mostly "defensive" - things to do once the conflict has blossomed. These are a little more "offensive" - things to do before conflict arises. Most of these are more mental and philosophical than the last five. Anyway, enough of my chatter. Here we go:

6. Find out who the potential "enemies" are and make friends with them early. This comes from my work with choirs, but I imagine the same technique could apply in any organization. There are people who are just going to cause trouble. Maybe they are angry about something else, maybe they love drama, or in the case of one choir member I knew, the love conflict just for the sport of it. They complained about almost everything. Once you've identified them, the best preemptive move is to make friends. Gather information. Find out what they like and steer the conversations that way. What you're really doing is building political capital. They may still go up against you, but it won't be as harsh if they're going up against a friend. Their conflict will be more "instructional" than hostile, and that's a lot easier to deal with.

7. Be ready to make a defense. Everything you do as a leader must have a reason for doing it. Now maybe the reasoning is flawed or ill-informed, but nothing you do should be done in a haphazard or thoughtless way. It's a good idea to always be ready to explain why you do or think any particular thing. The person who disagrees may not see it your way, but you won't be seen as flighty or purposeless. In most people that alone generates respect. People will forgive mistakes made out of good intentions, but they're much less forgiving of thoughtlessness and carelessness. And who knows? They may actually be right and are showing you a better way to do things. That's a gift.

8. Know and be willing to state your principles. This is related to the previous item, but is slightly different. If you know your principles you have a much better sense of the areas where you can compromise and the areas where you will stand firm despite conflict. Knowing your values and principles well makes it far easier to stand your ground and make a solid defense. Again, the other person may not agree, but someone with firm principles generates respect.

9. Look at the issue from their perspective. This sounds like an invitation to sacrifice your position in an argument, but that's not my intention. It's just a warning to remember that old adage, "Perception is reality". Unless you can change their perception or their perspective you can't change what they interpret as "real". This may involve some questions and some intense listening even though the other person is upset or angry. But once you can see from their perspective, you'll have a far better idea of what the argument is about and where the seed of the conflict lies.

10. Be grateful. There is almost no way you'll be grateful in the heat of an argument or in the midst of conflict. This is a technique that always comes after the action when there's time to reflect. But it's an important thing to do. Every conflict teaches lessons. Out of conflicts come lessons on humility, compassion, how to see different perspectives, mistakes that you made, and most importantly, steps to take to avoid a similar situation in the future.

As uncomfortable as conflict is, it can be a great teacher. I'd be lying if I said I enjoy conflict. I don't. I avoid it as much as I can. But the times that it has arisen and I've had to deal with it are the times that have taught me life lessons that have made me a little better in preparing the ground or avoiding it altogether.